this is me. this is me on a worst day.
and its sunday.
your sunday is with your girlfriend or boyfriend with your family with your besties
mine is with the feeling I stuck with the second best things. To build myself and to work on myself and to believe I will have somene too. To try to believe I believe in myself.
or in anything
I lost it. I am not waiting anymore. I accepted.
My fucked up has been selfs always were determined to survive and to coop.
For years and years I was correcting and keeping myself together and the feeleng of looniles was always there within the ropes of my nonexistent selfesteem. I was pretending and working on it.
Than after a while my life got wrecked. Piece by piece fell apart. So far I was always able to identify the mistakes I made and I corrected. At this point I realized It was not a misstake I made which caused my loniness. I was always lonelly and there was a chance for me to be whole and I not made one distinctive mistake I lived my whole life in a bad way.
The would be me would had the chance If I would have started dealing with it earlier. But the man I was at the time was far from ready. I missed the chance. I crumbled.
you and others came in my life. Than left. I stayed.
so fuck it
This is me this is where I am this is where I start. Now
Shooting is not an activity. Shooting is staying and living. Its seeing the surface. And beneath it. See the motives the directions the dynamics. See what is there for me. And just for me. Nobody gets it. There is no need.
Than I had an idea…
All my life I was trying to coop. All my life I was working on not tu suffer. But never worked on the suffering itself. Why just dont get the only tool that gives me comfort and I am able to use at my liking and realize it. Make it touchable.
So I picked up my F3 rolled in a iso 400 and went to sleep.
For a day I started to shoot everything I see and everything that I feel via my own eyes .
4 AM cant sleep. ceiling
5 AM cant sleep. cat
6 AM cant sleep. gave up. shower
6:30 AM. coffe and cat